Badzin spoke to Life Kit how to cultivate a state of mind that can help you feed old friendships – and the art of staying in touch.
How do you define an old friend?
I think many of us (define old friends like those we have made) with childhood, or someone with whom we were friends at the university with whom we are still friends now.
Having been in the trenches together also makes us feel like old friends. It could be a job where you had a difficult boss, and you are still a friend 10 years later.
Why do some friendships survive for decades and others disappear?
The thing that bothers old friendships is a perceived lack of equality and effort. It is difficult not to expect other people to make friends exactly as we do or the way it has always been done.
Is there the value to tell a friend: “I would really like to be loved or neat in this way.”
Yes, absolutely. For example, you could say: “I love the time we spend together and I don’t mind that I make a lot of plans, because it is important for me to see my friends. But I would like to know if you really want these invitations. ”
That said, I don’t think you should talk about the worsening of each friend. It goes up to assume the best and know that people make friendship differently.
Let’s talk more about supposing the best intentions.
There is a quote that I like by a former guest, Ruchi Koval, a relationship coach. She said there are people who never disappoint us and that these people are called knowledge.
An old friend will especially have disappointed us at some point, and we will have disappointed this person. Thus, any longtime friendship must be forgiveness. And forgiveness requires humility to assume the best.
What does that mean if someone has no old friends?
If you have not been able to maintain friendships, this is probably a sign that something is in your state of mind on friendships. Maybe you have unreasonable expectations.
I’m not saying that for people to feel terrible. I say it with optimism. This is something you can change. You can have friends in your life now with whom you make an effort so that in 10 years you can consider this person as an old friend.
If you only see or speak to an old friend out of the city once a year or once every five years, are you still a friend?
Yes, but I wouldn’t let five or 10 years (without talking to them) if you can help him.
Being an adult means taking time for your friends because it’s important. If everything you can manage right now is a facetime with your friends at a long distance, I would.
Sometimes they can look like work.
It’s a bit like exercise. Very few people regret having taken a walk. Yes, we would be delighted to sit down and watch television, but once you have done this walk, most people come back and they say to themselves: “Ok, I’m happy to have done it.” A phone call with a friend looks a lot like that.
What is the importance of the link in person with the old friendships?
If you speak on the phone and send SMS with an old long distance friend for a decade, you would like to get on a plane at some point and see that person.
If we are talking about friends in town, it is important to meet in person. I love to come together with someone’s people in someone’s house than a restaurant. It’s so strong. You can only talk to the person right next to you. And after 20 or 30 minutes, you are caught up and you see your friend on the other side of the table and you wonder what she is doing.
If you are at someone, you can move. It is more natural to speak to a person – then after a little, talk to another person. People like to be invited.
How can we give our friends grace and space to change?
Most of us want to be able to develop and change your mind. There is not much hope in the world if we have to keep the same opinions and interests that we had from the period when we were in the twenties or the thirties.
Give your friends in space to try different ways of living. No one likes (being around) someone who says, for example, “I thought you said you would never be one of those people who make crossfit.”
This is one of the biggest gifts you can offer to a friend. If we could give others as much space as we give ourselves, it would go a lot.
It seems that it is important to fight for your friendships.
All you can do is control the effort you make, then assume the best of people who are important to you.
Digital history was published by Meghan Keane. The visual editor is Beck Harlan. We would be delighted to hear you. Leave us a vocal messaging at 202-216-9823, or send us an email to lifekit@npr.org.
